GayPornucopia!

just kidding!

Over here at Cybersocket headquarters, we’ve been watching (and watching) the Mario Lopez nude — yes, nude — shower scene from Nip/Tuck’s fourth season episode, “Monica Wilder.”

The clip — set in a gym, one step away from the main work out floor of many a porno set — proves that Nip/Tuck is the most pornographic show on television (hehe, like there was ever any doubt about that.)

The scene opens with Lopez, looking something like a dead ringer for the sexy Solo Flex stud. [Wherein, Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck's gay producer) slyly uses Mario's "exercise" to point and click on all our pre-porn jerk-off material; the scene's destined to rate up there for baby gays with our International Male catalogs and Jim Palmer Jockey underwear ads.]

Oh, so back to the “action”: Mario’s features everything you’d expect from a gay male porno, except instead of sliding his hot bubble butt up and down a big fat cock, Mario’s shown solo, knocking off a half dozen reps, pulling himself up — and down — and up …

Cue next (soft core porno) scene, the post work-out shower! Beautifully lit (like a male Emmanuel) with water cascading down Mario’s smooth, olive skin muscle boy body (Note to Self: invite Mario to the White Party … & does he sing?), Mario’s shown soaping himself up while chatting up plastic surgeon, Cristian (Julian McMahon). TV Guide describes their conversation as “disturbing” — disturbingly erotic is more like it — but whatever, we find out Lopez isn’t an escort cleaning up before his 8 p.m. trick but Dr. Mike Hamoui … a (hot) plastic surgeon.

Disturbing in what TV Guide sense, we can only wonder since we weren’t exactly listening to the dialogue* between the two, seeing as how we were too distracted by the sight of Mario Lopez sensually running his hands over his chiseled six (eight? ten? at twelve, we lost count) pack, twisting and turning for the camera, giving as much T as A.

*Okay, with repeated viewings we finally listening to what Lopez and McMahon were talking about: Lopez reveals that he keeps his body circuit party perfect by working out daily and starving himself. Later, McMahon butt nekkid again, and Dr. Lopez is giving him liposuction.

According to YouTube, the clips been viewed over forty thousand times and, we’d daresay, it’s almost as good as logging onto MIamiBoyz.com.

Given Mario’s scattershot, B list career — playing everyone from Olympic diver Greg Louganis to “Husband for Hire” (the most watched program — ever ! — on the Oxygen Network) and “Dancing with the Stars” — we emailed Lopez suggesting he apply for the biggest opening this year: Madonna’s new husband.

According to today’s New York Post’s gossip guru, Richard Johnson, Madge is done with That Guy (Ritchie, the lanky London Lad, father of Madge’s son, Rocco, and Kabbalist). One source blames the split on That Guy, explaining, “he’s (just) the foreign half-wit who took Madonna from her American homeland and made her talk all funny.”

Denying the rumors — or confirming them? only time will tell — Madonna’s rep, Liz Rosenberg cackled, “They’re still both sharing Cloud 9 – as opposed to Client 9, ha-ha!”